流浪者的2014|2014: A Japan Odyssey|旅人の2014


每年過去,我都發現自己對於回顧自身的慾望和執着逐點逐點的流逝;或者是年紀越長,為事情執着的力氣便越來越少;在紛亂的大歷史潮流中,個人的小事件除了是自戀的年輕人的顧影自憐,更是顯得不值一提。不知從何時起,曾經頻頻上載的網誌不再留有我的字跡;每天發生的芝麻緣豆小事連同所有曾經令人牽腸掛肚的稍為大一點的小事,還未來得及被烙上記憶的墓誌銘,都就此掉進時間的黑洞去了。雖然如此,到了年末的最後這一天,我洗了衣服、打掃了家裡、清理了電腦磁碟和記憶卡存檔,終於坐下來後,我感到我還是必須讓自己安靜下來,慢慢回想,寫下這一年的事。即使只是為了讓曾經發生的有所憑據。尤其是在當今這個歷史隨時可以被輕易刪改的時代。

2014,我又成為了一名流浪者,在十年前的倫敦留學後,再一次踏上旅途了。

到此為止,我一直都不認為自己是一名流浪者。要說我最喜歡的活動,那大概是一個人躲在家裡房間的牀上看書。可以的話,最好也不要太多移動。如果約會的地點在遠一點的新界,我可能真的會推掉了。但是這一年我發現自己其實一直都弄錯了。我發現真正的自己其實並不能滿足於一種不變的狀態,即使那狀態令人感到多麼舒適愜意。

自從2013年11月得知自己取得日本工作假期簽證後,我的靈魂已經離開了所處的牢獄,重新發現自由的興奮和對未知的嚮往。即使是喜歡的家、喜歡的工作、喜歡的人,也不可能改變自己上路的決心。於是在我三十一歲時,我終於發現自己的真實模樣:原來自己真是一個徹頭徹尾的射手座。

對於發展事業、買車買樓、結婚生子建立家庭這些正當人生目標我一點共鳴也沒有。我每次聽my little airport的《你是浪子,別泊岸》都會哭。我甚至不再相信一生一世,並平靜的接受了某人曾給我的「孤獨一生」的批言。再喜歡的工作也只是為人打工,無法成為人生全部、愛情每是讓人失望心淡、眼見夢想距離自己越來越遠。因此我要離開,找尋我一個人的自由,以及未知當中的種種可能性。就是在這種心態下我拿着十年的積蓄,上路了。而且心裡也知道,離開並不是為了回來。看過外面風光明媚,又如何能夠回到從前。

於是我不帶一絲離愁別緒離開了工作了四年多的,我短暫的工作人生中最喜歡的地方,幾乎是頭也不回的上了飛機。我也無暇去為自己的薄情驚訝,已忙於一個人遊走於京都的古城小巷,推着有半個自己般重的行李箱「青春18」慢火車旅由關西繞過四國去到九州再回到大都市的東京,住過冷漠的熱情的share house,在看得見太平洋的偏遠渡假村打工換宿後在高級商場樓上的美術館進行研究項目,去了很多地方遇上很多的人,有些很喜歡有些不怎麼喜歡,卻總是沒有一個地方能真正讓自己的心為之停留。於是我明白自己是一個不會泊岸的浪子;不只是日本,我渇望看遍世上所有地方,而世界太大人生太短,根本無法一一佇足停留。我終於了解自己並無法在一個地方停留太久;我的情愛熱切,卻短暫。流浪者的命運大概就只有一直繼續流浪下去。記憶中自己從沒試過像這樣不停在不同的人物地點間移動,然而我發現自己竟也樂於當隻沒有腳的雀仔。

以前的自己嚮往愛情,因而讓自己在一平靜如鏡的湖水般的關係中浮沉三年多,然後終於發現自己早已被湖裡的水草扯進湖底,差點窒息身亡。那是自己沒有早點發現自己的本質之過,因而傷害了自己也傷害了對方。在暴風雨的四國的夏天,我的心裡是同樣的暴風雨;我是渴望重獲自由的Ariel,也是看見了美麗新世界的Miranda。不過同時我也是內心充滿了愛恨傷痛憂鬱愁緒的種種複雜感情的,等待魔法的救贖的Prospero。我知道,只有放棄曾經珍而重之的過去,才能讓所有人真正得到救贖,重新獲得自由。

在我自以為離開了永恆的家鄉,香港卻在我不在的時候,忽然變得不一樣了。這個時候我又發現不論自己流浪到多遠,唯有家的位置是不會改變的。距離和無力感刺傷了我的心,沉睡在體內的對家的熱情和美好未來的期盼再次蘇醒。只是我已沒有十年前的單純樂觀,悲觀和絕望以及不知如何在此亂世自處的迷惘,為充滿暗湧的旅途再蒙上一層灰影。

由是這樣,在旅人的自由、孤獨與哀愁中,我才真正能夠做到我最想做的事:寫作。

於是我一個人在這東京的古舊小房子裡,築起了我小小的孤獨的寫作空間。經過半年不停的遊走,我又開始寫作了。在我以為已永遠失去這能力時,我的文字再次悄悄的,回到重新獨自一人的我的身邊了。

初相識的在日香港人朋友邀約我到台場慶祝及迎接2015的到來,我剛推掉了。為了完成我這一篇流浪者的一年回顧,為了能在2015年來到前,好好的跟自己相處,確認一下這一年來的這個自己,並期盼來年只會過得更好的自己。

在這裡,我要把這獻給正在流浪的自己,還有一直在我心中的,曾在我流浪的路上出現過的親愛的您們。

2014年12月31日 18:48
東京

By the end of each year I find myself more and more indifferent to looking back – perhaps our passion grows weaker when we grow older – in the midst of the currents of the big history, petty personal matters seem to be nothing but young people’s narcissism, not worth mentioning at all. My words cease to appear on my previously well-trodden blog; everyday pettiness along with the bigger miscellaneous fall into time’s abyss before they can be engraved into memory’s gravestone. Still, on this last day of the year, after I have done my laundry, cleaned the house, cleared the memories in my computer and other hardwares and finally sitting down to rest, I feel that I have to calm myself down, think slowly, and write down what happened this year. Even just to leave an evidence for things past. Which is especially significant in this age when history can be rewritten easily any moment.

In 2014, once again, I became a traveller; and after my London sojourn 10 years ago, I am on the road again.

Till now I have never regarded myself a traveller. My favourite activity is to read in my own bed. If it can be helped I will avoid any kind of movement. If the appointment is somewhere in the New Territories, I will most likely turn it down. However in this year I realize my mistake all along. I realize that indeed I cannot be satisfied with a status quo, even if it is a very comfortable and pleasing status quo.

Since I learned that I had obtained the Working Holiday Visa to Japan the November day in 2013, my soul had already left the prison that had been trapping me, and rediscovered my love for freedom and longing for the unknown. The most beloved home, the most beloved work, the most beloved people, would not be able to change my determination to go. And thus when I was 31, I at last found out my true self: a complete Sagittarius.

I feel nothing for a prospering career, for cars and properties, for marriage, posterity, family nor any such most proper life goals. I cry every time I listen to my little airport’s “You’re a Don Juan, tarry not". I have dismissed from my beliefs the “happily ever after" fairytale, and silently embraced the “forever alone" prediction someone once made for me. The best job is just a job and can never be one’s life; romantic relationships disappoint; dreams wander farther and farther away. Hence I must leave, in search of the freedom of solitude, and the possibilities of the unknown. It was under these circumstances that I brought with me all my savings and went on the road. And I knew one does not leave in order to return – there is no way back when one has seen all the beautiful sights along the road.

Thus without the slightest sadness I left the place I had worked for over 4 years, my most favourite place in my short working history, and boarded the plane without looking back. I scarce had time to be surprised at my own fickleness, than began roaming the ancient capital of Kyoto, pulling along my trunk half my own size on the local trains all the way round Shikoku to Kyushu, then back up to the metropolis Tokyo. I found myself at cold and warm share houses, worked for board at a remote resort that oversaw the Pacific Ocean, then researched at a museum upon a high-end shopping mall. I visited many places and met many people, some I liked more and some less, yet my heart never lingers. And so I understand that I am a Don Juan who tarries not: not only Japan, but I wish to see the whole wide world. Yet the world is too big and life too short, and it is impossible to linger. Finally I know I can never stay in the same place for too long: my passions are strong, yet brief. It is perhaps the traveller’s fate to travel forever. I have never moved about people and places like this before in my life and I find myself rather enjoying being the modern Odysseus.

I used to long for romantic love, and allowed myself to float upon this relationship as quiet as a lake over a course of 3 years, then woke up to the fact that I had not been waving but drowning. It was all my own fault, not having understood my true nature earlier; and this injured both sides of the relationship. During the tempestuous Summer of Shikoku, I had the same tempest within me: I was Ariel who longed for freedom; I was Miranda who saw the Brave New World; but I was also Prospero, whose heart was filled with love, hatred, pain, melancholy and all kinds of complicated passions, awaiting salvation through magic. I know that only by giving up one’s most treasured past could one be saved and be truly free again.

When I thought I had left behind my eternal homeland, Hong Kong changed during my absence. Then I realised again that wherever I wander, home is always home. Distance and the feeling of impotence pained my heart immensely, and the passions for home and the wishes for a better future awoke within me . And yet I no longer had the youthful optimism I once possessed, pessimism and hopelessness, and not knowing whence once ought to go in this ridiculous world, cast a dark shadow upon my already tempestuous journey.

And this is how, amidst the traveller’s freedom, loneliness and sadness, I can do what I most want to do: write.

Thence in this small old house in Tokyo I built my own lonely writer’s den. After 6 month’s unceasing wandering, I began writing again. When I thought I had lost this ability forever, my words, silently and without notice, returned to my once-again solitary self.

Newly found friends asked me out for the New Year’s Eve celebrations, and I just turned it down. In order that I can finish this traveller’s retrospective, that I can be with myself, acknowledge myself in the past year, and look forward a better self in the coming year, before the arrival of 2015.

Here I dedicate this to the travelling me, and to all of you who have appeared along my journey and remained in my heart.

31 December 2014, 18:48
Tokyo

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